My Dear sweet Zellie,
I have been working on your journal. I try to write in it often so I will never forget a thing about the moments I am blessed to spend with you. You are two weeks old now. These have been the two most amazing weeks of my life. You are so perfect. So so perfect. In those moments when you wake me in the night, the moment you are in my arms I am overwhelmed at the amount of love I have for you. My heart just swells with gratitude for being able to have you in our life.
Your Dad and I were talking last night as we were getting ready for bed. We both feel the same. You are ours…you were meant to be ours. We know that you just had to come to us through a very special journey, because you are a rare beauty who needed to touch many lives along your way here to your home. You are so special.. You have so many who love you and are better people because you are here. When I hold you I feel so much love radiate from you. I feel very honored you chose us!
You coming to us was a ride. One full of many tears. In the beginning the tears that were shed were out of sadness, heartache and frustration. Now my little special one, the tears that run down our faces constantly as we watch and hold you are ones of pure joy, gratitude and love.
On January 21, 2011 our lives changed forever because you were brought to this earth. Your Dad and I were sleeping peacefully as we dreamed of your soon arrival. We received a call at 5:41am that you were trying to make your early arrival.
Your Dad rushed to his work to pick up a van so we would have room for your grandparents and all our gear. I could hardly think clearly as I set everything we would need by the door ready to be loaded. Every few minutes I would burst into tears. I just couldn’t believe that is was happening and I would get to be your Mom. I was so excited, overjoyed, nervous and happy to meet you.
We tried to entertain ourselves on the the long 12 hour drive, but we failed miserably. We all just couldn’t get you off our minds. At 1:01 pm we received a text with your very first picture announcing you had entered the world at 7 pounds 10 ounces. The four of us shed tears and couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. Your Dad and I couldn’t believe you were here! We were going to be parents.
Your birth parents, Coedy and Christina sent us many pictures via texts and asked us the name we had chosen for you. We told them Zellie Wiseman and we would love nothing more than for them to give you a middle name. Coedy and Christina chose Abigail. We hope Zellie, when you are older you will understand how much you are loved. Coedy and Christina placed you with us only because they love you so very much and want you to have the very best life, something they could not provide for you. We hope that having your first name giving to you by your Mom and Dad and your middle name by your birth parents Coedy and Christina, will truly help you understand how special you are to be so very loved.
We didn’t arrive to the hospital until 9:30 pm that evening. Your Grandma couldn’t control her emotions and she had a constant stream of tears as we walked to your room to meet you for the very first time. Your Dad and I had such a slew of emotions at that time. We were very happy and excited to meet you, yet we were very sad for your birth parents and their family. We felt so much empathy as they stepped into this chapter of the adoption process. We didn’t want them to feel in anyway that we were coming in to sweep you up and caring you away. We wanted them to be able to enjoy every minute of you Zellie for the short amount of time you had together.
As we entered your hospital room we were greeted with hugs and huge bright smiles. Coedy and Christina and their family were so very excited for us to see you. Christina was grinning from ear to ear. So proud of the most perfect gift she had produced. They could not wait to see us hold you and look at you for the very first time. As Coedy handed you to me for the very first time I had to hold back my tears, but I had the largest lump in my throat. I could not believe how beautiful you were. From your tiny little feet and long toes to your beautiful little strawberry blond hair. You were most perfect, and I had never seen anything more beautiful than you Zellie. The spirit in the room was special and very sweet. Everyone in that room had a bond, all because of you my little one.
As wonderful and amazing it was to have you hear, it was very difficult at the same time. I had to be very careful and hold back my heart because you still were in the care of Coedy and Christina. They were very kind and thoughtful to share you with us the first few days, for we knew that it was their time to hold you and love you before they had to say goodbye. I carried a prayer in my heart constantly that your sweet, young birth Mother would be comforted and know what an amazing and selfless girl she is. That she and your birth Father would be able to have some understanding as to what they were doing for us and for you.
I was nervous to love you too much in the beginning. I didn’t want to let my heart go 100% because I knew that you were still just a little dream and not quite reality. We could never really be alone with you, dress you, feed or change you…that was all your birth parents’ job. I wanted to so badly wrap you up in the beautiful blankets and clothes we had brought for you but I knew that would have to wait, I just prayed that it wouldn’t be long.
Later that day we were informed by the hospital that your Dad and I would need to spend the night so we could learn to care for you. You were having some health concerns and the doctor felt it necessary for us. In the first few seconds of hearing we would be able to spend our first night with you I was overjoyed, but then it quickly turned to sadness. I knew that this was the last night your sweet birth Mom would be able to care for you, hold you and kiss you as your slept so peacefully in her arms. I felt the tears come instantly and the empathy filled my heart. I quickly went to her. As the two of us sat on her hospital bed trying to have a personal conversation, there were social workers, case worker and a few nurses standing in the corner listening in.
The two of us cried together as we both we heartbroken thinking of the situation that was facing us at that moment. She was wanting to spend more time with you and knowing that you were needing to be with us was most difficult. She understood the importance and had no objection. She wanted to hold you for a few hours that night but, now, didn’t want to take you away from us. She wanted us to start bonding to you. I, didn’t want to take you from her. I didn’t want to stay, I didn’t want to take away her time with you. My heart was breaking just at the thought. I didn’t want her to look back on that night and feel any regret for the decision that was made. As we both poured our hearts out we realized how we both loved one another so much more that we ever thought before. We were now bonded together, caring about one another and had so much love for the other person, all happened because of you, Zellie.
Your Dad and I followed the nurse as she pushed you into the nursery to check your breathing and go over some of our new responsibilities in caring for our fragile little girl.
She told your Dad and I we needed to all three get in that tiny hospital bed made for one and all cuddle together and enjoy our first night as a family. That is exactly what we did. I cuddled up to your Dad and he to I. You curled and snuggled right into your Dad’s chest and the three of us were alone as a little family for the first time.
Upon being released from the hospital despite the doctors concerns, we were thrilled to know we were closer to having you become ours. As your Dad strapped you into your car seat for your first car ride I couldn’t help from crying again. After years of trying to get pregnant, I never thought your Dad and I would be able to have that moment where we would walk out of the hospital with our new little addition, and yet here we were. Our sweet new friend and nurse couldn’t hold her tears back either and she was so overcome by the spirit you had brought.
Later in the evening your birth parents quickly and quietly signed the relinquishment papers. Shortly after your Dad and I did the same. As we sat there on that couch with the case worker, I just had so much peace and excitement. We were one more step closer to having you forever. The caseworker told us how Christina and Coedy had not doubt of their decision and signed without one tear. That was very comforting to your Dad and I to know that they had received such a very strong confirmation that this was the right situation for everyone involved. She also told us how this has been one of the most amazing adoptions he has been a part of. He has never seen so much love and compassion being shown of both sides. Zellie, that has all happened because of you. You are one special spirit who within your short time here on earth has already touched so many lives.
Christina asked for one more private hour to say goodbye to you. We left the house and anxiously waited. Driving back to Christina’s was the longest minutes of my life. I could not wait to pick you up and hold you. I was aching to get you into the car so we could be alone again as a family. I cried as I though of what the next moments meant to Christina and Coedy and their family. The heartache that would be greeting us when we got to that doorstep. The thought of taking you from Christina’s arms was a moment I never wanted to come in true time, I wanted to be able to fast forward through it and have it be done. In hind site, I know that I would have regretted that. I needed that moment as much as she did for the healing process.
Christina’s Dad greeted us at the door with all smiles. You were in Christina’s arms and Coedy had your bag. As Christina’s Dad yelled down to her siblings to come and say goodbye to you, the lump in my throat felt as large as a bowling ball. They each kissed you on the check and told you how much they loved you and would miss you. Then Coedy gave me a hug and I just let the tears flow. He whispered to me “MiRanda, you’re Zellie’s Mom, she is yours now and so very lucky to have you. Thank you for taking her and loving her. Never forget to tell her how much we love her.” I hugged him tight and could only mumble how I hope one day he understands what he has given us and what it truly means to us. He hugged your dad and then Christina placed you in your car seat and kissed you softly on your head. She hugged your dad and then me, whispering “You will be the best Mom.” As I tired to pour my feeling out for them I failed to get much out as the tears overtook me. Christina and Coedy and her parents all had dry eyes and not one tear was shed.
Christina said she knew how grateful we were. She said “I want you both to know how happy and excited I am for you. The only way I can help you understand my feeling is to relate it to when you find the most amazing Christmas present for someone. You know they are going to love it and it will make them so happy. That is how I feel and I just can’t wait for you to love and enjoy her.”
As we walked to the door with your Dad carrying you, they stepped out on the porch to watch and wave to you as we packed up and drove away. It was a very special and spiritual moment. A moment that I am excited to talk to you about when you are old enough.
Zellie Abigail Wiseman, you are the most precious and special spirit. You are loved already by so many and have brought miracles into two different families. I hope you will always know what a gift you have been. You have brought much joy to many. You have filled my days with happiness and sunshine. Something that I had waited for so long to feel. I know I had to wait and prepare to have you in our home because you are just that special. Know that your Dad and I are always here for you, we love you more than any human could love another. You are our whole world. Thank you for choosing us…
With all my heart,
The Wiseman’s are hoping to add to their family see their adoption profile here.