FRYday : Jenna

*Note: this is a re-post of the original. In switching hosting services we lost content, including this post and have re-published it. We apologize if your comment was lost in the meantime, we are working to recover it. Please know it meant the world to Jenna, and to us.*

I began writing this post apologizing for what I’m about to share. I am aware there are degrees of grief and I am worried mine isn’t grave enough to disclose. Others have it harder, more unbearable with lives more agonizing, but today I’m going to be kind to myself and acknowledge that what I’m enduring matters to my family and to me. My hope is that you reflect on your life and do the same because I know whatever is going on in your world, it and you deserves the credit. You are worth the time.jbird-FRYday

I am currently experiencing the miscarriage of my fifth pregnancy. Saying the number out loud feels like a stab in the heart really. I’ve been so immeasurably blessed with two successful pregnancies and healthy children, but have also endured three pregnancy losses. This miscarriage has been particularly challenging for me since I was farther along then the others as well as plagued with all the unfortunate pregnancy symptoms that I was certain meant I was out of the woods. My husband was out of town when I found out and we were in the middle of a move. Basically if I were to describe my personal hell, it would be this last month.

When you have several losses, it seems it should get easier but on the contrary it compounds in to anxieties and distress that could swallow you whole. The fear of what will happen the next time feels paralyzing. I’ve wondered in the thick of this particular test if my broken spirit will somehow ever manage to put itself back together. I see so clearly the blessings and abundance of wonderful around me but there’s almost a sense of mourning knowing you’ve lost a version of yourself. The newer model is most likely going to be a more compassionate, mature, sensible person but until that girl develops you might feel lost and like you literally need to get to know yourself again.

I think of stones in a river and how they start out rigid and rough but over years of current the water refines them, makes their surface smooth and their corners soft. They still hold imperfections, but their foundation is firm and they hold to the ground they’ve settled in. I’m not there yet but I know one day I will be. I have the faith and knowledge that tells me there is a plan for me. It’s not in my control, but it’s a perfect plan, even if it feels completely imperfect at times.

In the midst of a chaotic and heart wrenching month it might be surprising to hear that I’ve been fortunate to see more of what’s good about life then what’s bad. My dear friends who have reached out to me and served me in ways that were above and beyond their capacity and which most certainly inconvenienced them at times. They happily took my boys to play, brought me breakfast and sat with me on the porch for an hour just to hear me cry. My family who text me daily wanting updates on how I was feeling or to reach out just to say they were thinking of me. My Mom and Dad who picked up the pieces of my daily obligations and sacrificed hours of their time to feed, bathe and play with my precious boys while my husband was away. All of you rescued me from what was both an emotionally and physically painful experience and I am in debt to your love and support.

This past Sunday I felt it. The sweet relief of peace knowing that while I’m not completely on the other side, I’m happy again. That darkness for me only lasted a small moment, even though every day felt eternities long. For those who are still navigating your sorrow, especially to those of you who have been on that journey for a long period of time, I’m pulling for you. We all are. Life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? Please remember though that there isn’t anyone on the earth like you. You are individual, extraordinary and matchless. Do not let others miss out on how truly lovely you are and how blessed you make their lives.

Happy Fryday to you all,

Xoxo

Jenna

Comments

  1. Kacy:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:17 am said:

    Beautifully written Jenna, despite going through a horrible experience. I love the
    way you always seem to look above and beyond the moment.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:27 pm said:

      Thank you Kacy for reading & commenting. Your compliment is the highest I can think of.

  2. Risa:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:17 am said:

    I am a newbie to your site as I’m working on my first little babe and just
    discovered this adorable blog a few weeks ago. Today’s post was so beautiful, Jenna.
    Thank you for opening up to us and for sharing your pain. I know too many friends
    who have lost one and even two pregnancies and I can’t personally imagine how that
    loss feels. I’m sending you, your boys and your husband all of my love and fingers
    crossed and all signs of good luck that you are able to bring a new little life into
    your family soon. Hang in there. You are not alone.

    xx, risa

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:29 pm said:

      Welcome to Small Fry! It’s a wonderful community of readers. Thank you for commenting, it touched me so deeply to know I’m not alone. So excited you’re here.

  3. Ella:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:18 am said:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is real and, in my experience, will continue
    to hit in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. I’m so glad you are beginning
    to see some light. Prayers of strength and peace for you.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:31 pm said:

      You’re right Ella. Sometimes I feel better, then a friend tells me their pregnant and my heart sinks a little. Thank you for your prayers, I have felt them.

  4. Emily Fillerup:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:18 am said:

    This hit home for me. After my stillborn and miscarriage I felt so lost and sad but
    almost angry at the situation too. Just wanted to let you know you’ve handled it so
    well from what I have seen and you will be blessed for staying so positive and
    sharing your experiences. Thanks for opening up and writing something so real, I
    love that. Hope you heal quick and that another babe will be able to join your cute
    family soon!!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:35 pm said:

      oh i’m aching for you. a stillborn is beyond my earthly comprehension. i can’t imagine that kind of sorrow. it’s funny you mention this anger because i feel like this last miscarriage i was almost more angry then sad…which felt more frightening. i’m not an angry person so to be dealing with that emotion has been challenging for me.

      i’m praying for you & really so happy you’re here and reading small fry. xoxoxo.

  5. Jana hayman:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:18 am said:

    I love you! And those cutest boys 🙂

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:35 pm said:

      oh jana. what would i have done without you through all this. so much love for your babe.

  6. Corrina:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:19 am said:

    You write so beautifully! I have experienced multiple losses over 7 years and
    finally have beautiful 11 month old twins. Stay positive but allow yourself those
    low points. Hugs those gorgeous boys tight and know that it will all work out!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:36 pm said:

      you’re so positive and amazing! i love what you said about allowing yourself low points. i definitely think that’s when we are able to heal. thanks for reading and commenting xoxo

  7. Amanda:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:19 am said:

    So brave and honest, it’s an honour to to have read this post. Seriously. Sending
    love and healing thoughts.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:37 pm said:

      that is the most extraordinary compliment. i feel honored that you read it and took the time to comment. thank you deeply.

  8. EHayes:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:20 am said:

    Beautiful post. As another member of the club no one wishes to enter, I just want
    to offer a big virtual hug and comforting “i know”. You aren’t alone in these
    feelings and I think sometimes knowing that feeling them is okay and that others do
    too, helps. I felt so lonely in my losses, that no one could understood my grief.
    But they do. Take care of yourself.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:39 pm said:

      oh thank you so much! it’s true about loneliness. i keep thinking what an isolating trial this is for women. no one can physically or emotionally cure you from this strife. but we’re all in this together and i’m so happy to see this community of small fry. i wish everyone like you could have this kind of support when going through loss. it’s helped me immensely. i hope you’re doing well. xoxo.

  9. Kirsten:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:20 am said:

    XOXO Jenna. You are so strong and such an amazing mother to the two boys you have.
    You conveyed your thoughts so beautifully.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:40 pm said:

      thanks kirsten. you are always so good to me! xoxo

  10. Damaris @ Kitchen Corner:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:21 am said:

    I had a miscarriage only a couple days of finding out I was pregnant. It was one of
    the hardest things I ever experienced. Days. I had found out I was pregnant for 6
    days. That’s it. It was enough. Enough to hurt so very deeply.

    You know when someone is happy our response is a positive one? I mean we never say
    “oh you shouldn’t be happy because there are people out there who have it better
    than you.” If someone is celebrating that they got a job we never say “you shouldn’t
    be that happy, I mean someone has a better job than you.” Same with hurt and pain
    and grief and overall sadness. Your sadness is very real. Yes other’s have it worse
    than you but does that matter? We’re not in the business of comparing our grief,
    we’re in the business of having compassion with other and with ourselves.

    I’m sorry you have experienced this loss!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:42 pm said:

      “we’re not in the business of comparing our grief, we’re in the business of having compassion with others and with ourselves.”

      this quote changed me. thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, commenting & being so thoughtful. xoxo.

  11. Anna Liesemeyer:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:21 am said:

    So much love to you Jenna!
    I think you voice the pain of so many mothers who have experienced the agony of
    losing a child. Sending extra prayers and hugs your way. If I could, I would bring
    you dinner and remind you in person just how beautiful your life will continue to
    unfold because you have the faith that it will.
    xo, Anna

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:47 pm said:

      anna i have to tell you this comment made me cry so much. i love that thought. that if we have faith our life will be beautiful, then that it will be. that touched me so much. i’m so glad and blessed to know you. xoxo.

  12. Callie:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:23 am said:

    Jenna,
    I am terribly sorry for your loss. Although, I have never experienced a miscarriage
    I am in the middle of my third pregnancy (2 perfectly healthy boys at home) and have
    recently found out our third boy is very sick. The last month has been filled with
    doctors appointments, test and very few answers about what the future will look
    like.
    The amazing thing about pain and allowing yourself to be vunerable is that so often
    you reach someone else right where they are, even if that place pain looks different
    than yours.
    There is so much trial ahead and I often wonder who I will be on the other side.
    This hit me so profoundly.
    “I see so clearly the blessings and abundance around me, but there’s almost a sense
    of mourning knowing you’ve lost a version of yourself. The newer model is most
    likely going to be a more compassionate, mature, sensible person, but until that
    girl develops you might feel lost and like you literally need to get to know
    yourself again.”
    Thank you for being vunerable and allowing your pain to help others feel less alone.
    Praying for you tonight.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:49 pm said:

      Callie thank you so much for reading my post and commenting. Every word you said meant so much to me. You’re right about grief and pain, no matter what it is, we all need each other to cope. I love that we have this forum to talk about our feelings and I hope Small Fry is always a safe place for women to come and get support.

      I am praying for your son and his health. Please keep me updated. xoxo.

  13. Lindsey Marlor:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:23 am said:

    My heart breaks for you that you have now experienced this three times!! We
    miscarried last fall and came up on the due date a couple of months ago still with
    no luck of a new pregnancy.. Each month has been an emotional roller coaster! Since
    my miscarriage I have found out so many close Friends I grew up with are/ have
    experiencing miscarriages as well! I feel as though I am waiting in line for my
    baby.. Of course on his terms not mine. It’s hard but hang in there you are
    amazing!! http://www.pillowthought.com/2013/03/whats-mine-is-yours.html

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:56 pm said:

      lindsey sweet girl i had no idea! i just listened to that song and read through your past blogs and cried. you are my soul sister and i’m praying for you!

  14. Paige Young:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:24 am said:

    Love you Jenna!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:57 pm said:

      love you too paige so much!

  15. Anne Hill:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:24 am said:

    This post is beautiful. Stay strong Jenna!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 10:57 pm said:

      thank you for your support and love!

  16. Kelly @ Cloudy Day Gray:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:25 am said:

    It doesn’t matter how big or how small an event is. We all experience the unexpected
    love and heartbreak that comes with motherhood. And every event deserves a voice.

    We all need to know that we are not the only one. That there are others who feel the
    same pain and loss. It is all real and it all hurts. It took me years to feel myself
    again after I miscarried my first child.

    Life does suck sometimes. But I have to believe that it sucks for a purpose. We
    become better people, better friends, better mothers.

    We wouldn’t be empowered to change the world, if it didn’t need changing.

    You are in my prayers and if there is anything that I can do for you, please let me
    know. Seriously.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:01 pm said:

      Kelly you are really one of the most remarkable people I’ve come in contact with. We are so very lucky to have you reading Small Fry. I’m honored that someone as wonderful as you enjoys our little space of the internet. xoxo.

  17. Sara Watkins:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:25 am said:

    You’re bravery amazes me. Your strength & honesty are inspiring. Miscarriages
    are incredibley painful & not something to ever be minimalized. I’m still
    plagued by mine & the fear of another plays a major role in my decision to stop
    having kids. I wish I could be there to hold your hand. Sending lots of prayers
    & aloha your way.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:02 pm said:

      I felt your prayers & aloha Sara. Thank you for always being such a great supporter & friend. I miss you.

  18. Michelle:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:26 am said:

    Thanks for sharing your feelings Jenna and for your bravery and honesty and
    candidness. Sending along well wishes and thoughts of sympathy and hoping you’ll
    continue to find peace with the way things have occurred and see the happiness
    around you within your friends and family at this hard time.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:02 pm said:

      Thank you Michelle so much! xo

  19. Sarah S:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:26 am said:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, but thank you for sharing your experience. I
    am in the pregnancy loss ‘club’ too. I found that sharing made it possible for
    others to share and not feel so alone. Wishing you peace and healing.

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:03 pm said:

      I wish the same for you & a happy pregnancy in the close close future!

  20. Kit Wilson:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:26 am said:

    Jenna….you’re the voice of millions if women in this post today but said with your
    own unique and precious heart. Sending compassion and love! I have something is like
    to put in your hands to help you cope with the hormonal shifts and the stress of
    moving as well as the sadness. It will also help you prepare for your next pregnancy
    so text me your address sweetie!

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:04 pm said:

      Kit thank you so much. You are so kind & supportive of Small Fry & we all feel that. I’ll definitely let Emily know my address! xoxo.

  21. Sara:
    on August 18, 2013 at 9:27 am said:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Jenna. I have often felt a tug on my heart to write
    about my own experience which happened so many years ago. Four healthy children
    later, I feel completely blessed, but still always think of the beautiful child I
    lost. I’m confident that by you sharing your grief so eloquently, you will touch
    many… offering them immense comfort in their time of pain. Praying that God
    provides you with peace and comfort… xo

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:05 pm said:

      Hi Sara thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, it touched me so deeply. If you ever choose to write your thoughts I would love to read them. Keep me updated.
      Love and prayers to you!

  22. on August 19, 2013 at 9:44 am said:

    hugs to you jenna love! xoox

    • Small Fry:
      on August 19, 2013 at 11:05 pm said:

      love you lots dear lizzy!!! xoxo

  23. on August 20, 2013 at 12:33 am said:

    That was so beautifully written. I love your heart and attitude. I experienced a miscarriage (at the end of the first trimester) in my very first pregnancy, and I will never ever forget all of the emotions. Four sons later, I still cherish that first baby…
    I pray God’s best for you, and for your heart to continue to heal. Aloha

  24. on August 20, 2013 at 12:42 pm said:

    I really admire your honesty and openness, Jenna! There seems to be such a stigma with miscarriage and I’m so thankful for platforms like this that can help open up discussion. I pray for your family and specifically your strength and peace with these struggles. Loss never gets easier, but I pray God continues to heal your heart.

  25. Rebecca Ednie:
    on August 21, 2013 at 2:37 pm said:

    Thanks for posting this. So many women hide miscarriages when they should treat them like the loss of any loved one. I’ve never lost a baby and can’t even imagine. For a long time I thought I’d never have children due to health issues and grieving for children who had not even started life was hard enough. No one should judge anyone else’s pain and consider it too early or too small to be sad. I’m so glad you’ve turned the corner and feel happy again. Sounds like you have awesome family and friends which is a true blessing. I am disabled with two special needs children and a baby and have very little support so I wish I knew what that felt like. Anyway, thanks for posting. Hopefully, it will help other women not feel so alone and help them realize this is something that should be talked about and not hidden. Those little lives deserve recognition and dignity.

  26. Shelley Morrison:
    on August 21, 2013 at 10:52 pm said:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too have experienced this pain and I was in tears reading your post. I have never heard those feeling so well put. I am praying for you and your family.

  27. Kelsie:
    on September 2, 2013 at 2:58 pm said:

    Oh thank you for sharing your experience and gift of writing. I am miscarrying today and was sent this link by my sister in Law McKell who i believe you know. It’s been only 6 months since my last Clark who was still born on Valentines day. Now this on labor day. I felt so grateful reading your words add they sound how i feel! It’s so extra sad but at the same time so comforting to know so many suffer in similar ways. Thank you thank you.

  28. Pingback: FRYday : Jenna | Small Fry

  29. meg j:
    on February 3, 2014 at 12:38 pm said:

    Not sure how I missed this post, but I am glad I saw it now. Beautifully written! I experienced this heartwrenching loss twice before having my precious baby girl last year and those feelings are hard to describe, let alone put into such an elegant piece. We are thinking of adding to our family again and the anxiety I feel about the whole process is more than I would like to admit. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who didn’t think it got ‘easier’ each time. So thankful for people like you who are willing to open up and talk about a fairly taboo subject that so, so many people suffer through every day. Praying for you and your family and that you get that next little blessing you deserve!!

  30. Pingback: one happy announcement! | Small Fry

Leave A Comment

*required fields