*Note: this is a re-post of the original. In switching hosting services we lost content, including this post and have re-published it. We apologize if your comment was lost in the meantime, we are working to recover it. Please know it meant the world to Jenna, and to us.*
I began writing this post apologizing for what I’m about to share. I am aware there are degrees of grief and I am worried mine isn’t grave enough to disclose. Others have it harder, more unbearable with lives more agonizing, but today I’m going to be kind to myself and acknowledge that what I’m enduring matters to my family and to me. My hope is that you reflect on your life and do the same because I know whatever is going on in your world, it and you deserves the credit. You are worth the time.
I am currently experiencing the miscarriage of my fifth pregnancy. Saying the number out loud feels like a stab in the heart really. I’ve been so immeasurably blessed with two successful pregnancies and healthy children, but have also endured three pregnancy losses. This miscarriage has been particularly challenging for me since I was farther along then the others as well as plagued with all the unfortunate pregnancy symptoms that I was certain meant I was out of the woods. My husband was out of town when I found out and we were in the middle of a move. Basically if I were to describe my personal hell, it would be this last month.
When you have several losses, it seems it should get easier but on the contrary it compounds in to anxieties and distress that could swallow you whole. The fear of what will happen the next time feels paralyzing. I’ve wondered in the thick of this particular test if my broken spirit will somehow ever manage to put itself back together. I see so clearly the blessings and abundance of wonderful around me but there’s almost a sense of mourning knowing you’ve lost a version of yourself. The newer model is most likely going to be a more compassionate, mature, sensible person but until that girl develops you might feel lost and like you literally need to get to know yourself again.
I think of stones in a river and how they start out rigid and rough but over years of current the water refines them, makes their surface smooth and their corners soft. They still hold imperfections, but their foundation is firm and they hold to the ground they’ve settled in. I’m not there yet but I know one day I will be. I have the faith and knowledge that tells me there is a plan for me. It’s not in my control, but it’s a perfect plan, even if it feels completely imperfect at times.
In the midst of a chaotic and heart wrenching month it might be surprising to hear that I’ve been fortunate to see more of what’s good about life then what’s bad. My dear friends who have reached out to me and served me in ways that were above and beyond their capacity and which most certainly inconvenienced them at times. They happily took my boys to play, brought me breakfast and sat with me on the porch for an hour just to hear me cry. My family who text me daily wanting updates on how I was feeling or to reach out just to say they were thinking of me. My Mom and Dad who picked up the pieces of my daily obligations and sacrificed hours of their time to feed, bathe and play with my precious boys while my husband was away. All of you rescued me from what was both an emotionally and physically painful experience and I am in debt to your love and support.
This past Sunday I felt it. The sweet relief of peace knowing that while I’m not completely on the other side, I’m happy again. That darkness for me only lasted a small moment, even though every day felt eternities long. For those who are still navigating your sorrow, especially to those of you who have been on that journey for a long period of time, I’m pulling for you. We all are. Life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? Please remember though that there isn’t anyone on the earth like you. You are individual, extraordinary and matchless. Do not let others miss out on how truly lovely you are and how blessed you make their lives.
Happy Fryday to you all,