It’s been six months since I wrote this post. Only six months right? Feels eternally forever ago to me. Time is crazy like that. She moves painfully slow when you’re desperately trying to heal, and then lightning fast when it comes to the growth of your child, she steals moments and age in a blink of an eye.
So much has changed, yet one thing remains the same, I’m still not pregnant. And while it hasn’t felt like a life-time of trying to be, it does feel suddenly painfully close to what would have been a due date. With this last miscarriage I remember thinking “well surely I’ll be pregnant by the time I was due.” Nah. Times a real bitch like that (earmuffs, mom.)
Family and friends have long stopped asking how it’s going or how I’m feeling. No sensitive tenative pregnancy announcements, just mere texts these days. I don’t blame them. I have two kids…I should feel just fine, they think. And suddenly my mind wanders and I worry what if this is it? I’m obsessed with these boys and so beyond blessed to have them…but what if they’re all I’m ever able to have? What if the world keeps moving on and growing others families and we can’t?
I am a Take Charge person. And to have another’s plan, what I know to be a greater more perfect plan, take precedence over mine, well, control is seemingly impossible thing to surrender. What’s even more challenging is to not become bitter: why does this friend have it so easy? They get pregnant in the blink of an eye. Have they ever wanted it with every fiber of their being, or have only seen a positive pregnancy test . No worries or concerns, just optimism. I feel like that innocence was stolen from me long ago, and it almost feels irretrievable. I’ve just felt so broken and so defeated.
Sometimes I feel like I’m racing, sprinting, desperately trying to not have another pregnancy announcement trip me and swallow me whole. Suddenly that girl has more kids and has been married less or is several years younger then me. My legs start to cramp and I collapse on mile 3000 and I cry out for someone to listen and to understand. I black out. Then I wake up to realize there are no crowds, no other racers, no finish line. Just me racing desperately against the foot prints of my own debilitating thoughts.
Who wins in a race against yourself? No one.
I read this quote recently: “Grief never ends…But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.”
So in 2014 I’ve chosen to give a big fat “See ya!” to time as I used to see it and embracing time as it really is. Fleeting. I’ve been so focused on what might of been, and what might not be that I’ve lost sight of what really IS, which is a pretty amazing life. I can’t say I have a handle on it completely but I’m conscious of my fault in the matter which in any moment of change, is the first step. So buddies, I want to know what you’re giving up this year? Letting go of? Let’s all promise to leave it right here and walk away from it, and not let it control us anymore. Deal?
xo – Jenna