FRYday : Jenna

It’s been six months since I wrote this post. Only six months right? Feels eternally forever ago to me. Time is crazy like that. She moves painfully slow when you’re desperately trying to heal, and then lightning fast when it comes to the growth of your child, she steals moments and age in a blink of an eye.

fryday

So much has changed, yet one thing remains the same, I’m still not pregnant. And while it hasn’t felt like a life-time of trying to be, it does feel suddenly painfully close to what would have been a due date. With this last miscarriage I remember thinking “well surely I’ll be pregnant by the time I was due.” Nah. Times a real bitch like that (earmuffs, mom.)
Family and friends have long stopped asking how it’s going or how I’m feeling. No sensitive  tenative pregnancy announcements, just mere texts these days. I don’t blame them. I have two kids…I should feel just fine, they think. And suddenly my mind wanders and I worry what if this is it? I’m obsessed with these boys and so beyond blessed to have them…but what if they’re all I’m ever able to have? What if the world keeps moving on and growing others families and we can’t?
I am a Take Charge person. And to have another’s plan, what I know to be a greater more perfect plan, take precedence over mine, well, control is seemingly impossible thing to surrender. What’s even more challenging is to not become bitter: why does this friend have it so easy? They get pregnant in the blink of an eye. Have they ever wanted it with every fiber of their being, or have only seen a positive pregnancy test . No worries or concerns, just optimism. I feel like that innocence was stolen from me long ago, and it almost feels irretrievable. I’ve just felt so broken and so defeated.
Sometimes I feel like I’m racing, sprinting, desperately trying to not have another pregnancy announcement trip me and swallow me whole. Suddenly that girl has more kids and has been married less or is several years younger then me. My legs start to cramp and I collapse on mile 3000 and I cry out for someone to listen and to understand. I black out. Then I wake up to realize there are no crowds, no other racers, no finish line. Just me racing desperately against the foot prints of my own debilitating thoughts.
Who wins in a race against yourself? No one.
I read this quote recently: “Grief never ends…But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.”
So in 2014 I’ve chosen to give a big fat “See ya!” to time as I used to see it and embracing time as it really is. Fleeting. I’ve been so focused on what might of been, and what might not be that I’ve lost sight of what really IS, which is a pretty amazing life. I can’t say I have a handle on it completely but I’m conscious of my fault in the matter which in any moment of change, is the first step. So buddies, I want to know what you’re giving up this year? Letting go of? Let’s all promise to leave it right here and walk away from it, and not let it control us anymore. Deal?
xo – Jenna

•••

We are holding an Insta giveaway for this amazing baby quilt handmade by LWPH Sews. Jen’s quilts are so stellar and we wish we could rig it and win ourselves. Head to @smallfryblog to enter! And while you’re at it, check out all the amazing offerings on her site, (the dolls, too! Sheesh.)

LWPH SewsLWPH Sews

Comments

  1. Ali:
    on January 31, 2014 at 8:42 am said:

    I’m a new small fry follower and just read your post from 6 months ago, Jenna. I’m so sorry! It was exactly what I needed to read. I’m going through my first miscarriage at 12 weeks (have two girls already…). It’s awful, full of crazy hormonal emotions, and unbearable at times. And yet, my heart has completely expanded for those who have experienced this pain, too. Thank you for sharing your story!

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:21 pm said:

      Welcome! Thank you so much for reading!

      You poor thing. I will definitely be thinking & praying for you. It really is much more emotional than anyone can fully comprehend unless experienced first hand. Just remember you are amazing and can do hard things. Oh also, let yourself have a bad day. Somehow one day of feeling sorry for myself mostly cures everything that ails me 😉
      xo
      jenna

  2. Liz Stanley:
    on January 31, 2014 at 9:09 am said:

    Ahhh, I feel your pain Jenna. Watching others families grow and feeling like you’re in limbo is the worst and the most soul sucking feeling I experienced. Hang in there! Sending you fertile vibes! Xoxo, Liz

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:21 pm said:

      liz.
      you’re my new favorite person ever.
      thank you.

      i’m feeling super sexy and fertile with those vibes!! it’s working!!
      xo
      jenna

  3. Andrea:
    on January 31, 2014 at 9:19 am said:

    Jenna,
    I don’t know you but I love coming to your site from time to time. You guys were also kind enough to post about a fundraiser I did a while ago to raise money for a procedure so that I could try for another baby of my own after 3 miscarriages and the loss of my 1 day old daughter. Thanks in part to you and your compassion I am now trying to move forward and in the middle of my first try with the procedure and couldn’t be more grateful to you for the help you gave me. I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering through this emotional roller coaster and wish I could offer you something as wonderful as what you helped give me. You seem like a wonderful person and mother, and I know it is sooo hard but the way you choose to see your life is inspiring. I hope things start to look up for you soon and if you ever need any help/advice I am happy to share with you everything I’ve learned from my experience over the last 5 years. XOXO

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:23 pm said:

      Hi Andrea!!
      Of course I remember you. You have endured so much & are such a strength. Please let us know if we can help raise awareness for you any further! You’re simply wonderful.

      Thank you for your support, love & encouraging words. They mean more to me then you might even realize! Let’s keep in touch, I’m rooting for you!!
      xoxo
      Jenna

  4. on January 31, 2014 at 9:37 am said:

    It took us nine months to get pregnant after our stillborn. Nine months that felt like an eternity to me – I couldn’t focus on what I had, only what I didn’t. It’s all so consuming. I feel your pain and pray that you will have the desires of your heart.
    Much love.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:24 pm said:

      Natalie I remember that day so well. I was and still am heart broken for you. When I see pictures of your sweet family on Instagram I always feel like you’re complete. I know that a part of you still aches for the baby you lost but to me you look so whole, so happy, so peaceful. And it gives me so much hope.
      love you.

  5. Lauren:
    on January 31, 2014 at 10:30 am said:

    Jenna amazing amazing post! I needed to hear this desperately. This past almost year and half have been nothing but hell. So for me I’m walking away from my toxic relationship with my ex husband and moving on for me and for my kids. He’s emotional and verbally abusive and I don’t need that. Although mine has nothing to do with pregnancy so I don’t know what your going through, but you know I love you!
    Lar

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:25 pm said:

      Lar. We need to get together. You’ve been on my mind so much. I’m really happy you wrote these things here. That’s awful and you don’t deserve that treatment. Doesn’t it feel good to say out loud what we DON’T WANT from our lives? I’m praying for you.
      love you!
      Jenna

  6. on January 31, 2014 at 12:04 pm said:

    Thank you for sharing. Your quote really just touched me. I have one child, a 3 year old and have been trying for another for 6 months. It doesn’t sound like much to others but to me it’s still hard. We all have our moment we think, why me? It’s okay to feel that way. I just keep telling myself it’s going to happen.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:26 pm said:

      Hi! Thank you so much for commenting. It’s funny isn’t? 6 months when it isn’t you is a blink of an eye. But every month I get my period I think…oof, another month wasted. Such a negative thought I try my BEST to fight but it’s just natural I think!

      I’m rooting for us both & will keep you in my prayers. Keep in touch, I want to hear how you’re doing!
      xo
      Jenna

      • Jessica:
        on April 2, 2014 at 7:34 am said:

        Hi Jenna! Thank you for the kind words! I hope your prayers will soon be answered for another sweet baby.
        Thank you for all the prayers you sent my way! God has answered them! I am expecting! Due October 14th.
        It’s been a roller coaster though.
        While the joy of finding out I am pregnant was going on I also have been going thru a lot of worry and stress. During my first prenatal visit my doctor found a nodule on my thyroid. My husband and I really didn’t discuss it with anyone because we felt it was nothing. After weekly appointments, thryoid sonograms, bloodwork, needle aspiration appointments…they found one side benign, one side cancerous. Whew, first time I’ve typed that. More appointments, more doctors, more specialist, we agree that waiting until the baby comes is the best option. Thryoid cancer is the most benign cancer and best one to get. I feel better now just knowing there’s a plan and knowing the baby and I will be fine to wait, surgery while pregnant scared me more than that 6 letter c word. Happy/Sad moment as we told our families we were finally expecting but also that I have cancer…before age 30. But honestly God works in mysterious ways. Had I not been pregnant, my doctor would have not found that nodule. The benign one got big(4 cm and you can see it when you look at me, gross! lol) when I got pregnant because of the increase in blood flow. So thankfully that one got big so they looked around and found the bad one.
        Just had to share with you my exciting news and continued prayers!

        Thank you!

  7. on January 31, 2014 at 12:22 pm said:

    Oh how you always seem to be writing just for me. I had a miscarriage in October and remember frantically searching for your post and how your words made me feel understood. My best friend got pregnant a month after me and honestly I didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions that brought… While I was beyond happy for her I could shake the hurt I felt receiving texts of ultrasounds and pregnancy tests with out any regard to what I was going through. Once again, I found comfort in your words. I wanted to introduce myself at alt to hug you and tell you just how much your openness has meant to me, but didn’t have the opportunity. thank you.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:28 pm said:

      Patty! Your comment shook me to my soul! I am so touched that something I could say would connect with you in such a way. It makes writing such vulnerable and scary thoughts really worth it. I WISH i would have met you at ALT. It truly would have made my whole experience!! Promise me we’ll meet soon? also PLEASE keep in touch, I want to hear how you’re doing!
      xo
      Jenna
      jmrammell@gmail.com

  8. on January 31, 2014 at 12:34 pm said:

    Jenna, not sure if I ever left a comment when you first posted about your miscarriage but I sure meant to. I have only had one miscarriage, November 2012… Still haven’t been blessed with a pregnancy and it’s been a long emotional journey – I’ve posted all about the process on my blog and currently lying in bed from Surgery I had yesterday hoping to find news of scar tissue or blocked tubes to answer why I’m not getting pregnant.. Two days of torture from it all and sadly there are still no answers – everything the dr found looks to be normal. Reassured again that its all on his time and no one else’s 🙁 as hard as it is. Hang in there! I know you don’t personally know me but I’m just an email away if you need to vent!

    • Small Fry:
      on January 31, 2014 at 9:30 pm said:

      lindsey! So good to hear from you. I’m so honored you read our blog when you have such an amazing one yourself! I had no idea you were still going through tests. I’ve heard there is NOTHING worse than the diagnoses of “unexplained infertility.” I hope for answers for you, but mostly I hope for a baby for you! I will keep you in my prayers.
      And yes let’s stay in touch!
      xo
      Jenna
      jmrammell@gmail.com

  9. Jana:
    on January 31, 2014 at 10:43 pm said:

    Love you friend. Hate hearing your heartache from so far away. 2014 is your year babe!

  10. Sara:
    on February 1, 2014 at 12:24 pm said:

    Oh, babe. You are so strong. Stronger than you realize. You may not think you are coping with this grief as well as you could, but the truth is you are coping better than most. I admire you; your strength, your honesty, your courage, & your resilience. Sending so much aloha your way!

  11. on February 1, 2014 at 1:14 pm said:

    I remember your post months ago. It touched me also that I’ve had a couple miscarraiges- Healing from them is such a journey. And it’s so real. While people move on and forget about the ordeal (if they even knew at all) I remember being stuck. Even now half a year later it stings. It is truly a grieving process.
    Thinking of you lots.
    I love your new thoughts on time. Because it is fleeting. That’s what woke me too

  12. on February 1, 2014 at 3:28 pm said:

    Jenna, I watched my sister go through this last year. 15 months can feel like an eternity. She has three children, and was really aching for another. It broke my heart and it does the same when I read this. It doesn’t matter how many children you do or don’t have….if the desire for a little life is in your heart it starts to burn deep and there is nothing that can cover it up. Sending over prayers and a big hug as you take each day as it comes one step at a time. You have a tremendous heart and I am taking away some of your wisdom from this post;) Love, Anna

  13. Anna:
    on February 1, 2014 at 8:07 pm said:

    What a brave and beautiful post. Such a good reminder to live each day fully without letting past or future worries distract us. So hard to remember!

  14. megan williams:
    on February 2, 2014 at 10:01 pm said:

    You are not alone. I was able to have my first two without even trying and now here I am and it’s been a year of no pregnancy. I believe there is reason in all things and I am trying to keep my faith and patience, but it hurts and is painful at times. Starting fertility this week and not excited about it. So annoyed, because it is probably our last and I didn’t and don’t want to do fertility. BOO. Thanks for the post, sometimes it just feels nice to know someone is going through the same thing and that we are not alone.

  15. Paige:
    on February 3, 2014 at 12:26 pm said:

    I am trying to let things go as well, mostly jealousy and bitterness because a 24 year old shouldn’t be bitter. I’ve suffered 4 miscarriages, one right after Christmas and it nearly shattered my heart. We just had our second baby in October so I shouldn’t even be thinking about having another baby but knowing my body wanted another one and rejected it so quickly was too much for me to handle this time. I’m going to try to live more in the present and be grateful for my kids because they are more than enough for me. You’re not alone in this struggle, it’s very real and very hard to move past but we’ll make it there soon 🙂

  16. Megan:
    on February 3, 2014 at 5:40 pm said:

    I found this post through Pinterest and just had to leave a comment. I too have experienced a loss and secondary infertility. It took us 18 months to get pregnant with our third after having no problems getting pregnant before. It was definitely the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I feel like secondary infertility is hard because you don’t feel like you can complain because you already have children that you are over the moon about, but there is such an aching for more. While the pain was almost unbearable each month, I have to tell you that the joy that comes when it finally happens will consume all your heartache. My little miracle is three months old now and I get emotional with gratitude for him almost daily. He is worth every tear I shed. Having faith in the Lords timing is hard and sucks but I’m grateful I didn’t give up. Sorry for being long winded, but I hope it gives you a little hope. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

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  18. Morgan Peterson:
    on February 28, 2014 at 1:39 am said:

    Somehow I missed this post of yours. Love you so much. You are a gorgeous mama and your boys are lucky to have you.

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