another chance

By Emily.

Earlier this month I found myself staring at a big screen TV’s image of my empty womb. “Where is the baby?” I trembled, expecting to hear that horse galloping heartbeat and a tiny adored bean. I went to my 9 week appointment solo, as I insisted, because I avoid being high maintenance at all costs, and assured my husband that he was more needed getting our boys dressed and fed at home (instant regret on that one.)  As the OBGYN and Midwife talked at me of next steps, possibilities, statistics, its-not-your-faults, my mind drifted off. My thoughts were dark and treacherous, and then in an instant shards of light broke through.Thoughts on a Miscarriage

Like those montages in movies, a slideshow of events shuffled in front of my eyes. While someone, I believe to be a loving Heavenly Father, whispered to me, “I could not protect you from this, but Emily, look at your life.” My little family’s happy and healthy smiles, our able bodies working hard toward learning, goals and dreams. I had taken for granted something so basic yet critical as my family’s health and safety for the past several years. Families all over the world fight for the things I rarely gave a second thought to. I was instantly filled to the brim with gratitude. I stifled back sobs not just for this empty sac, a Blighted Ovum, but for the miracle that two healthy children, ages 3 and 4, truly represents. I can’t conjure up a memory where I have felt more loved or protected than at that moment in the most unexpected of situations.

It didn’t always stay with me through the long weeks since, even walking from the exam room to the elevator felt bitter and lonely. Happy framed pictures of women with bulging bellies seemed to be mocking me with every step. That day I joined the quiet ranks of women, who 30% of the time they try, have to mourn the loss of what and who might have been. It scooped out another level of compassion and understanding that I could not arrive at any other way and will Take It With Me into 2015.

So now, saying see ya later! to a roller coaster of a year, there is definitely One Thing I’m Leaving. And that is the complacency I settled into that life is anything other than a wonderful miracle. An adventure I am so fortunate to be able seize every day. Living in a place with the freedom to do and say what I feel, to spend my time at home, to share my ideas with you, to feel safe in my own skin, is a luxury that I don’t want to take for granted in 2015.

Comments

  1. on December 30, 2014 at 8:40 am said:

    What a brave and beautiful post, Emily. Just another reason you’re one of my favorite bloggers.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:03 am said:

      Thank you so much Kelsey, that means the world. xx Em

  2. on December 30, 2014 at 8:42 am said:

    Emily. My heart breaks for your loss. I too suffered from a Blighted Ovum (exactly six years ago this week). It took me years to feel like myself again. My prayers are with you as you move forward and take time to morn your loss. I am glad that I know you. I am happy to have felt your kindness. And I am confident that you will feel strength and peace among your family surrounded by faith.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:04 am said:

      Thank you Kelly! It already feels like a lifetime ago, it’s such a strange thing.

  3. Dana:
    on December 30, 2014 at 8:56 am said:

    You are very brave to share. In my day and age such things were “secrets.” I’m not sure why, but they most certainly were. — You are loved and understood by more women, old and young, than you can possibly imagine. I love you!

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:05 am said:

      I felt like I shouldn’t so many times, like it was too private. But, glad I didn’t. We all need a little lift sometimes and so many people are waiting to give it. Love you Dana!

  4. Kim:
    on December 30, 2014 at 9:15 am said:

    Beautifully put Emily.

  5. on December 30, 2014 at 9:22 am said:

    Oh Emily, I’m so sorry. I too have experienced the sorrow of sitting there alone during an ultrasound, excited for my first peek at my first baby, only to have an insensitive sonographer tell me “there’s no baby there!” When I had been sick for weeks, belly growing as if there was. Then the doctor came in and said “well, try again.” It was the worst, sorrowful feeling in the world! I know what I say can’t make the pain go away, but I can tell you it’s real. I’m sorry and wish peaceful blessings for you.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:06 am said:

      No lonelier feeling. I’m so sorry you had to experience it too. I kept thinking, this must happen a lot to these people they should really be better at handling it and handling their patients. Definitely lack luster, at least at my doctor’s office!

  6. Katie P.:
    on December 30, 2014 at 10:13 am said:

    Such a beautifully written post. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and send you prayers of peace and healing in the new year. Thank you for sharing such a poignant sentiment – your faith is truly inspiring.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:06 am said:

      Thank you so much Katie!

  7. on December 30, 2014 at 10:23 am said:

    i am so sorry. but i have to say you wrote it so beautifully. I have had two of these types of miscarraiges. its a big blow. yet we are so blessed. thank you for your post!

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:07 am said:

      I can’t imagine doing this twice, you are stronger than I! Thank you for your sweet words.

  8. on December 30, 2014 at 4:18 pm said:

    I don’t know why I stopped by today and I can only say I am so glad I did and I can say that we too lost a babe a year ago… It is a lonely road to travel and yet you are so not alone. So so sorry and sending love.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:08 am said:

      So glad you did too! And so sorry for your loss.

  9. Kristin Ito:
    on December 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm said:

    Oh Emily! I am so sorry! You are a beautiful, strong, talented woman and I am proud to call you my niece!

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:08 am said:

      Thank you Aunt Kristin, love you!

  10. Jm:
    on December 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm said:

    I must’ve been drawn to this writing for a reason, I really needed this one. Really. Thank you for sharing a positive side not often seen in the tragedy.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:09 am said:

      Thank you! It was definitely a perspective I didn’t anticipate to feel, but glad it came when I needed it most.

  11. Lindsey:
    on December 30, 2014 at 8:57 pm said:

    My heart hurts for yours, but what a lovely way to turn it around and find the positive! I suffered a blighted ovum four years ago this week. It was gut wrenching and took so much time to get me back to a place to try again. At the time we had no other heathy babies to love. Just each other. And now I have an almost two year old and I appreciate him even the slightest bit more after that experience. Sending hugs. <3

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:10 am said:

      So happy to hear that! Trying again seems daunting to say the least.

  12. Stephanie:
    on December 31, 2014 at 8:47 am said:

    I do had the same experience this March. It was a second miscarrage. Although this one was more traumatic, it truly makes one feel so much more love for the family around us. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and all is going well so far. I saw a baby! I was so scared. Hugs to you and prayers for peace and another chance.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:12 am said:

      Oh man, I can’t imagine doing it twice. You are strong! So happy for your new little one on the way, I am sure every appointment you hold your breath a little bit. Let us know how everything goes!!

  13. Mara:
    on December 31, 2014 at 1:31 pm said:

    Isn’t it kind of amazing (and freeing maybe?) to see the world around you kind of put themselves in your corner as root for you when things like this happen? I too had my own miscarriage just two months ago. It’s incredible how not alone we are. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it at least puts a little light at the end of the tunnel that might’ve not been there before. Life will go on, but I wil never forget my little angel baby. And I’m sure you won’t forget yours either 🙂 xoxo

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:13 am said:

      You’re so right! It’s so healing to know we have people rooting for us. Thank you so much!

  14. jenny:
    on December 31, 2014 at 2:46 pm said:

    I’m so sorry about the loss we all fear. It was so beautifully put, friend.

    • Small Fry:
      on January 1, 2015 at 8:13 am said:

      Love you Jen!

  15. Mandi:
    on January 1, 2015 at 12:08 am said:

    I so appreciate the openness and honesty each of you share in these year in review posts. I am grateful for the three of you and your willingness to show us about the reality (great and painful) of life. Happy New Year.

  16. Small Fry:
    on January 1, 2015 at 8:13 am said:

    Thank you Mandi, happy new year!!

  17. Jennie:
    on January 2, 2015 at 1:29 am said:

    This is a rough one, I have been there and let me say… It was heart renching. There’s hope for the future, I’m 12 weeks now, and I know more than ever miracles happen. Sending love and hope.

  18. Pingback: Just Parenting News / another chance

  19. Kelsey:
    on January 8, 2015 at 10:39 am said:

    Thank you for sharing this.. I also had a blighted ovum this past year, in fact my due date would have been next week on 1/14 (also my dad’s birthday). The weeks and months that followed were. so. hard, especially when I would see 1-3 people a week announcing their pregnancies (including many of my close friends). I think that next Wednesday will bring a lot of emotions, but I am thankful that I am getting to have my 18 week appointment on the day before. I didn’t want it on the same day, I couldn’t do that, but am hoping that the excitement we feel knowing if we are going to have a little boy or girl will make getting through that day a bit easier. Although a part of me is still terrified each time I go in for an ultrasound, that what they see is not what they should be seeing, so with my excitement comes a not of anxiety and what if’s, but I just have to trust that all will be ok with this one 🙂 thank you again for sharing your story.

  20. on January 18, 2015 at 12:14 am said:

    Sweet Emily! So sorry for your loss but so grateful for your example of gratitude and optimism. I may not know how you feel but I know your situation. It is more common than you may realize. But don’t let that stop you from celebrating the uniqueness and divinity of your angel baby watching over you. Families are forever!

  21. Sara Jane:
    on January 19, 2015 at 2:34 pm said:

    Wow I felt like I was reading my own words. My cousin, Annie Stewart, mentioned to me of your loss and how similar it was to mine. My heart breaks for you as I somewhat can relate to the pain you are experiencing. I’ve found it so hard to articulate my grieve and your words so beautifully described what I am feeling, thank you for having the courage to express yourself. I feel like we should do lunch and talk about our feelings ☺️!

  22. Anna:
    on January 25, 2015 at 8:42 am said:

    I’m so sorry this happened, Emily. As the comments show, you’ve helped others by sharing.

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